Happy New Year … thoughts on 2023
Moving forward.
That seems to be our theme for the last six months. Not so much moving on, but rather moving forward. Continuing to be happy, to have dreams and things to be excited for, while walking with our grief.
Anytime you have this heaviness of grief, even combing your hair or brushing your teeth can be overwhelming some days.
I assume this is what depression feels like.
Heavy. All-consuming. Dark.
But learning to find the light and to push away the heavy is how we have handled the last half of 2022.
It is really hard to explain just how challenging that’s been.
We had the joy of Alli’s graduation, and what a joyous time that was – but in the background was Joe’s picture on her tassel. The remembrance of him, yes – but also the reminder that he isn’t here.
We had the joy of Brock & Sara’s engagement, and how incredible that they are ready to build a life together – but then the thoughts start creeping in that Joe won’t be here to give her away on her wedding day.
Christmas came and went with an empty stocking – one more reminder.
All these wonderful moments and so many more to celebrate, and in the background that constant reminder of this enormous hole in our lives.
Honestly, it all sucks. All these reminders just outright suck.
But also, they reminder us just how much we loved Joe, and somehow that brings a smile of joy. A remembrance of just how much we all loved him, and how big he loved us.
The chime of a New Year has been added to our memories, coupled with a Dawgs win in the Peach Bowl. I know Joe was cheering loud last night for his beloved football team, just as we were cheering loud last night in our home with a steak dinner (and a great glass of wine) – just how Joe would have done.
Joe actually really loved a new year. Business typically is slow during the Christmas season becuase in years past, the majority of our business was inside of retail spaces. We were able to enjoy the busyness of the holidays, but also spend a good bit of time planning for the upcoming year. As a family we would make a goal board, and a few of us have done vision boards too. But for the business, Joe and I would spend our work time planning. Discussing ALL the things. Pouring over his incessant spreadsheets that make my head hurt and eyes cross.
Dream.
Dream and plan the future.
This year was not the same. Our work portfolio has changed drastically since the pandemic, and business was full steam ahead two days before Christmas, and back to it the day after. Just as with so many things, finding time to breathe has been challenging.
I laugh, as I sit here writing about a new year, the song The River by Garth Brooks is on in the background. Joe loved Garth Brooks. I remember us waiting in line for tickets in 1996 and getting seats in the second row to his concert. We had so much fun. But it’s also another reminder of Joe. When someone is woven into the fabric of your life, there is no way to unwind it.
So, the question becomes, how do you continue your life with that fabric no longer there.
You weave new fabric, and just like that cherished baby blanket, you love on the old fabric. You adore it lovingly. You cherish it.
This new year holds so many promises of pure awesome.
We continue to pray big and dream of the future.
We will set goals for this year.
We will walk forward boldly.
We will cherish what we had, while learning to create new.
We will keep climbing, and make sure that Every Moment Matters.
I can’t wait to share with you.
The River (Garth Brooks)
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin’ as it flows
And a dreamer’s just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what’s behind you
And never knowing what’s in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores…and
I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
‘Til what we put off ’til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don’t you sit upon the shoreline
And say you’re satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide…yes
I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
There’s bound to be rough waters
And I know I’ll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all…yes
I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I’ll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
‘Til the river runs dry
‘Til the river runs dry