When Happily Ever After Isn't Enough: Trusting God After Loss
Little girls long to be saved, by the righteous, handsome hero.
Swept up in the midst of danger, struck by cupids arrow.
To be sought for, to be fought for, to be rescued and beloved.
Silly girl didn't you know, The King's already come?
Yes, He's a King and not a prince, so you should rather say.
He died to save your life because He loves you in this way.
He's everything the little girl inside you ever dreamed...
His name is 'Jesus', 'Son of God', 'The One who rescued me'. - Melinda Laree
A tale as old as time, all the way back to the garden in the beginning of time. The tale of deception and lies began even as time began, and the enemy continues to weave this deception today. Here, in this fake narrative that we are not enough on our own, we need a man to come and rescue us, to be saved by the righteous, handsome hero. This narrative began in us from a young age, our entire lives really, and today I'd like to challenge this narrative.
From the time we are little girls, our culture tells us just this. We see it time and time again through all the princess movies, then as we get older, in romantic comedies, and even as we age into young women. On repeat, culture has us dreaming of our Prince Charming - and when we 'finally' find the one, we get married and dream of a life happily every after. Swept up in the midst of danger, struck by cupids arrow. To be sought for, to be fought for, to be rescued and beloved.
But what happens when the happily ever after really is just that ... until it's not. Then what?
Perhaps you wake up and find that man isn't such the saint you discovered under the lens of love. Perhaps fatherhood brings out a tough side of him, or he decides he doesn't want to be a father at all. Maybe it's an illness or a job loss. Perhaps, he is the perfect God-fearing man, and life is seemingly all falling together and then you realize, he's human, and he lives in the same broken world as you. There's now a permanent chink in his pristine armor.
Any [all] of these could be true, and then the unthinkable happens. He dies. Then what?
There are so many thoughts that ramble through a widow's mind, but today I'd like to focus on one subset of these thoughts. This isn't the truth for all, but I hear so many widows sharing these similar thoughts after death of a spouse.
I just want:
To date again
To be held again
To feel safe again
To be loved again
To share my life with someone
I just want ... [insert so many things here...]
I find that when I hear this, it's often a lot of the things we got so complacent with in marriage, we took it for granted, or maybe, we just didn't want it all anymore. He was there, anticipated he would always be there, and we knew we could dip into the well of connection whenever we want. This loss for a lot of women has a way of magnifying the best parts of marriage, and pushing aside the not so wonderful. We miss him, his warmth, his version of love, his ability to come in and save the day (even if it's to fix a clogged drain) - whatever it is - and we begin to idolize the good in honor of his memory, and then it turns into a too soon search for another man to fill those shoes.
[I know some reading this will tense up and not agree with me, that's ok. I'm not including you in this 'many' conversation.]
I've read Genesis 2 time and again, and every time it serves as a reminder that God has already given us everything we need. He knows our needs. He is a God of details. And in those details, he even shows that detail of a mate is important to him. This remains true from the beginning of time.
What next then? What happens when our mate is taken before us? It is our job to trust God. Even in this time of great need, our job is to trust. To know that he truly is a God of details, and if he was enough to give us a mate to begin with, he will be enough for us in that absence. And in that trusting, to not let the narrative of desire be the voice we listen to. God's intention is that we are loved, valued, accepted and given everything we need - and He wants to be the one to provide that for us - with, or without a mate. He created everything perfectly in the world, and even in this time, He knows exactly what we need.
What are we then looking for that we aren't receiving in his absence?
We crave the comfort and intimacy we had with him, even when it's less than the ideal picture of our Prince Charming, and now that he's gone, we feel like we've lost that chance, perhaps for forever. Our mind and body long to be held in a strong embrace, and to feel safe in the most uncertain of times. We want someone to reassure us that everything will be ok, and we can find ourselves looking for it in the most wrong places.
I felt this way, and fought hard to not chase down physical connection in its rawest of forms, just to feel the feeing of closeness and perceived safety and intimacy with someone again.
Yes, I'm going there today, so buckle in.
This need is so real and raw in grief, it's hard to fight against. It's hard to fight against the need to find someone to just cover that basic need, even when you know it's not right.
We have a decision here, and it's a decision that not only has to be made, but made early after he's gone. Do you give in to those urges, or do you stand true to your values and let God be your provider of comfort? Do your choices bring you closer to God, or do they pull you away? If we are made in the image of God, then we are a people who know how to harness our desires.
Sounds so easy ... right? Not so fast.
Here's something I know as truth, regardless of what your husband did for you in your marriage, it touches nothing compared to what God can give you. He is our King, our loving Father, and until we realize this, nothing else will ever hold a candle to it. For many, a marriage rooted in him will provide the closest thing this side of heaven we will ever experience to God's love, and when that marriage is broken by death, it is our choice to honor that by taking ourselves back to God, or look elsewhere.
Widow friend, this is one of the hardest decisions you will make.
Choosing to go to God with this need is going to push against culture. It's going to have others question your choice. It will have you questioning your choice. Your flesh will fight against you over, and over ... [and over] again. Society tell you it's ok to find solace in the arms of another man. Culture will say it's ok to 'scratch that itch' with a one-night stand. Social media will root you on for getting yourself back out there, and even other widows will say it's all ok. It's ok to take this from a man, to help you feel like a loved and desired woman again, to feel safe even, and then to let it go.
This is not the answer.
This is the lie of the enemy, just like the deception in the garden in the beginning of time. This is a sin, and sin separates us from God. The enemy knows just when we are at our most vulnerable. When we aren't careful, he sneaks in with a voice that can speak louder than voice of our Father - and if you let it, that feeling of loss can turn into a voice of need. A need that is insatiable by any cultural standard. Leaning into this sin begins to slowly pull us away from hearing the voice of our Father, until the point where all we hear is noise.
Silly girl didn't you know, The King's already come?
Yes, He's a King and not a prince, so you should rather say.
He died to save your life because He loves you in this way.
He's everything the little girl inside you ever dreamed...
His name is 'Jesus', 'Son of God', 'The One who rescued me'.
Choosing God to fill this need for you, will give you so much more. It's a gift that gives over, and over ... [and over] again.
Choosing God to be the King - your Heavenly Father - of your life is the only way to fully fill this need.
He sees us.
He wants to hold us in our brokenness.
He wants to date us, and spend precious time with us.
He has us surrounded and protected, safely in His arms.
He calls us His Beloved.
He wants us to share our lives with Him.
Everything a man would provide here on earth, God has already provided for us in Jesus. Taking the hand of Jesus as your one and only gives you everything you're looking for. In this, we are secure in knowing that He will care for us in all we do.
Practically speaking though, how do you do this? It's simple, and not so easily executed.
Our faith, is what unites us with him. It starts with a decision. A decision to every day show up as the bride that you are.
You are His.
He calls you His beloved.
That decision, to now show up every day as the Bride of Christ keeps you pure to Him. It becomes your identity, a Bride of the one true King - and when that is your identity, nothing else will ever be able to match it.
If you showed up in this world, each and every day, as the Bridge of Christ, what would that look like? How would you feel?
I imagine it would look something like: the confidence of royalty, knowing that you are well loved, cared and provided for. A complete knowing that you are safe and protected.
...and friend, when the time is right and if it is a desire of your heart, God will bring that one that sees you and values a woman who holds that truth close to her heart. This is His perfect preparation for you, as you prepare for him. He will hold you in the highest standard, because you hold yourself there - and God honors that. God wants us whole and complete in him before bringing that one to us. He wants us to know who we are in Him, first. When we know this to our core, nothing less than His best will do - and isn't that what we want after all? A marriage rooted in Him. Perhaps a second chance at love, where we get to do things differently, better? I don't know about you, but this is a desire of my heart. A marriage that glorifies God. A union that furthers the Kingdom and shows others what marriage can be like, with him. But it starts with us. It starts with us reigning in that desire now, becoming sanctified in Him, and settling for nothing less than God's best for us.
The fairy tale may not exist like it does in the movies, but you are royalty with Jesus.
Sister friend, pick up your crown, put it on your head and straighten it. Walk with royal confidence, because your King is already here. He loves you dearly, and wants to call you his. Will you let him?