puzzle pieces
A bruised heart that chooses to beat with a passion for God amid pulsing pain and confusion, may just be the most expensive offering placed on the divine alter. - Beth Moore
I read this quote and it hit me to my core.
I find myself in a place lately where the grief is coming harder and faster in uncontrollable waves. These waves threaten to pull me under, and still I stand.
My stamina has been wavering. Not with my faith, but in my ability to bounce back after getting knocked around by all these waves. I've found myself exhausted and so emotional that I never know which emotion I will be facing at any given moment, let alone which emotion will come out of my mouth, or that I will wear on and in my body that day.
I've heard so many people say that the second year hits different, and they were so right.
It's not the grief of losing Joe, but rather all the other griefs that come with loss.
I've said it time and again, but we don't walk this road in a linear fashion. It has twists and turns, ups and downs, smooth and rocky - all of it makes up this road of grief, and then some.
But if there was one thing I've learned, it's that I cannot do this without supernatural power.
I need Jesus to get me through. There is no other way.
With each and every wave, I find myself standing before God, amid the pulsing pain and confusion, offering all of that grief to him. Asking him to continue to mend my bruised heart, and make it whole.
And he is.
Day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Even second by second, I see his good works in all of my life.
Even though I'm tired, I continue to stand strong, and let the waves crash in around me, knowing that no matter how hard they come, I have a strength that comes from God.
'I remember all my affliction and wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope; Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. Let him bury his face in the dust - there may yet be hope. Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. For no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.' - Lamentations 3:19-32
It's long been my prayer that God redeems our story through all of this, to turn it into something that honors and glorifies him.
...and I think his answers to that prayer has been: Do you trust me? Can you trust that I am here, and I won't leave you? Can you trust that I will provide? Can you continue to stay faithful, and keep turning to me when all else seems lost?
Short answer: YES.
But ... if I'm being honest, some days it's a brutal struggle. There are days I find myself crawling into prayers, or crying out to God in the bed when I have nothing else to give, lying on the floor in sobs that wretch my entire body, and tears that fall endlessly in the shower.
He is so merciful and has so much grace. He sees me in those moments and he meets me there. He gives me strength to stand up, clean my face off and get through another day.
We've long studied the idea in my small group that God gives us provision. He gives us everything we need, and invites us time and again to trust him in everything. Trust that he knows where purpose can happen in our lives - long before we were even a person.
His invitation is that we are loved, valued, accepted and given everything we need.
He also knows when we've had enough and when its time to redeem and put things back together.
I see this happening. Every day. I see him working in our lives to put things back together, but this idea is peculiar to me.
How can he put our lives back together when a piece is missing?
He can't. (ok ok, I'll submit to the argument that he could, but I don't believe he will - another topic for another day)
Yet, he is putting things back together. I see a new puzzle starting to take shape. There is a lifetime of shifts happening in our home right now, and new puzzles are starting to form. So maybe, it's not about rebuilding the old puzzle, but finding the pieces to build the new ones.
As I type this, I'm sitting in my home office, that looks really bare. This office that was custom built for me - by Joe - has been packed up, and ready for its new owner.
Today, the house hits the market and is the beginning of the journey of closing this chapter, or putting this puzzle in a box, and opening a new one to put together. Today, I start to say goodbye to a whirlwind of good and bad memories and prepare to take some really bold and courageous steps forward into the next part of life that God has designed for me.
I don't know what all this next holds, but I know what I'm asking for.
Peace.
Comfort.
Continued provision.
Grace and mercy as I navigate all the emotions.
A life full of love, and laughter and endless joy.
A life full of him, that glorifies all he's done, and continues to do in our lives.
Sure there's a lot more prayers in there, but at the end of the day, all the superficial stuff doesn't matter. It's how we feel when we lay our heads down to rest each night. Did we show HIS love through our lives? If I can answer that with a resounding YES, it will be enough.